Humour

Funny stories, grand jokes and humerous items

Collected by Brian Timmins

A few of the stories (and jokes) are somewhat risqué, and a few of them are sprinkled, as Billy Connolly would say, with 'sweary words'. They all have one ameliorating factor - they will make the corners of your mouth twitch. Some of them may even make you laugh. None of them are gratuitously vulgar.

GOTO "The Longest Joke In The World"
GOTO "An interesting Balloon Debate"
GOTO "The Perfect Man & The Perfect Woman"
GOTO "Money For Old Rope"

Why Men Lie, When Men Lie... Exothermic Or Endothermic? An Occultist Passes Over... Gone Fishin' Tale Of A Flattened Frog The Many Uses Of Vaseline 38 Things You Would Never Know... Mr Gorsky How Many Times A Year? George Bush Dies Hairy Squid Barbed Wire The German Dwarf The History Of Jack Schitt The Ultimate Physics Exam World's Best Resignation Letter? The Two Nuns What's Missing Hunted The Witness A Flea's Holiday Fell Or Was Pushed? A beginner's guide to singing the blues An interesting calculation

Cooling Your Computer? England At The World Cup Paddy Comes To England The Customs Of An Irishman Employment Wanted Job Application Lovely Old Lady A Golfing Story The 7 Different Types Of Sex Married For 2 Weeks Saturday Night Bath The Lord And The Biker Irate Customer New Words From Ireland Daddy's Telephone Call On Being Irish I Can't Believe We Made It! How Things Used To Be Free Gardeners US Medicare In A Nutshell Speeding The Confessional Teaching Maths

WHY MEN LIE, WHEN MEN LIE...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No".

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No".

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes".

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez".

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a rate slower than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I have still not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over".

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

AN OCCULTIST PASSES OVER...

…to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" asks the Occultist.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course".

"B-but I don't believe..".

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Occultist folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Occultist friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path".

"Whatever," says the Occultist, "What do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Occultists allowed here".

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left".

So our Occultist friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good".

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Occultist guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes.".. he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out here if you like, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's a great Pub and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Occultist meeting grounds are just behind that hill.".. Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.

Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumours, do you?"

Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Occultist friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that.".. He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

GONE FISHIN'

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he asked, "How did you manage that?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rust proofing, and a built-in refrigerator".

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampax".

"Tampax?"

"Yeah, Tampax. They were for his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing… "

TALE OF A FLATTENED FROG

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it". The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said, "No!"

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want".

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door! . The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

THE MANY USES OF VASELINE

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives and says, "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them".

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

• During all police investigations, it will usually be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other in some indeterminate mid-European accent.
• If being chased on foot through town it is always on St Patrick's Day, so you can usually take cover in a passing parade.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
• The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 24/36/48 hours to finish the job.
• All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
• When being attacked by cannibals or evil torturers and everything looks totally lost, there will always be one bullet less than the number of women so the hero cannot kill all the women to save them from unspeakable things.
• You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - English with a German accent will do perfectly.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare, plus or minus the tip depending on whether the plot requires the driver to be grumpy.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, voluptious women should always investigate any strange noises or lights, in their most revealing underwear and delicate slippers which fly off at the slightest provocation. Plain Janes can do it in a polo-neck, jeans and hiking boots.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
• Mediaeval peasants always had perfect health and teeth with perfect, clear, ruddy complexions.
• Heroes and heroins rarely, if ever, need to go visit the little boys/girls room, and NEVER when handcuffed together
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• If he needs to, it is always possible for a detective or spy to park directly outside the building he is visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors; unless your name is Stephen Seagal, in which case you can take on as many as you like and still win.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, no matter how vicious, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• When waking up after a long, hard night's sleep all good-looking women will lok as if they walked out of a beauty parlour after a full makeover.
• You can always find a chainsaw/pickaxe/sledge-hammer when you need one.
• "Good" baddies nearly always die (otherwise they would have to go to prison for 99 years) in a dramatic manner, having just enough time to whisper to the hero/heroine either "I'm sorry" or "I really did love you".
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects the hero/heroine personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

MR GORSKY

(This story is completey untrue. But don't you wish it wasn't)

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Back in 1995, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

HOW MANY TIMES A YEAR?

A man took his wife to a cattle sale and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year". The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year". They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 130 times last year". The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him".

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year". The wife got really excited and said, That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow".

GEORGE BUSH DIES

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long".

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this".

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go".

HAIRY SQUID

There's this exclusive sea food restaurant in the posh part of Shildon. The chef is so handsome everybody calls him "The Face".

As part of a very successful sales drive, the Management commissioned a gigantic fish tank filled with weird and wonderful creatures so the customers could choose the exact aquatic specimen they wanted to eat that night.

One evening, a man and his wife came in and started walking around the aquarium discussing this fish and that fish as they did so.

After careful consideration, the man decided to have the last squid in the tank and called over the head waiter to place his order.

The head waiter looked at the squid, and his heart sank. The green squid was the most feeble, trembling thing he had ever seen, on top of which, it had a hairy lip.

But the customer was always right, and the head waiter went off to convey the order to the chef.

"Chef!" said the waiter, "that man on table 7 wants to eat that pathetic squid".

The Face went over to the tank and removed the squid. It looked terrified, and started to tremble even more, knowing it was for the chop.

The Face's heart sank too. A job was a job, but who could bring themselves to bludgeon such a poor defenceless creature?

"I can't do it," cried The Face, "You'll have to get Hans to kill it first..".. Hans was of limited intelligence, and his sole purpose in life was to wash dishes, but never the less an ideal candidate for the butchering.

Upon seeing the feeble squid, Hans cracked up as well, leaving the head waiter no alternative but to apologise to the customer, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but the squid is off"

"It can't be, I chose it myself".

"Well the fact is that… Hans that does dishes is as soft as the Face, with mild, green hairy lipped squids !"

BARBED WIRE

There were an Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman all awaiting execution in Upper Blatsvia. Because of the nature of their crimes they were to put to death in the cruelest manner which the state could provide. This was in the form of THE WHIP. This was no ordinary whip, it was THE whip. It was made of stainless steel handle with thongs made of barbed wire. The spikes were tungsten tipped for extra penetration power. If the whip was bad it was the whipman who made people tremble. At 7 foot 8 and weighing in at 33 stone with not an ounce of fat on him. He was the epitome of steroid addiction.

This was the sentence. To be tied to a pole in the public square and given 100 lashes. The victim may have one request and this is to have any item to cover his/her back. If the victim survives the lashing he will be set free.

The Englishman went first. He requested a 2" thick hide of leather to be placed upon his back. The whip swung 5 times and then the leather was gone. The Englishman was dead after the seventh lash.

Next came the Scotsman. He asked for a sheet of armour plating for his protection. The whipman had to work harder but he still obliterated the armor in 20 strokes and finished the Scotsman on the 21st.

The Welshman came and bravely said he would take it like a man and have no protection. The whipman whipped and whipped but after 100 strokes the Welshman had survived without a scratch and had to be set free.

Lastly came the little Irishman. He too was asked what he would like upon his back. After a little thought he said, "I'll have the Welshman please".

THE GERMAN DWARF

A dwarf is walking down the street and he picks up a lady of less than stringent morals. He takes her back to his bedroom and she lays on the bed ready for him.

He takes out a suitcase and unpacks four large springs, which he attaches to his hands and feet, climbs over her and starts to give it to her - bouncey bouncey!

So anyway she is absolutely loving this and when he finishes she says "I've never seen that method before, it's not in the Kama Sutra - what's it called?"

The dwarf says "Oh, that was the 'Four-Sprung Dwarf Technique' ".

THE HISTORY OF JACK SCHITT

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt".

Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and

because her kids were living

With them she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

THE ULTIMATE PHYSICS EXAM

The following concerns a question in a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark in the early years of the twentieth century...

The simple question was: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer".

To which one student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building".

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student then appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the University appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer to the same question, which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

• "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer".
• "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper".
• "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l / g)".
• "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up".
• "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building".
• "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'".

Who was the student ?

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize for physics.

WORLD'S BEST RESIGNATION LETTER?

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment". To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favourites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favourably by the university administrations.

When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them.

Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f**k with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely,
David Blocker

Network Administrator

THE TWO NUNS

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?".

WHAT'S MISSING

(In 2002 this joke won second place in a funniest joke in the world competition - I don't agree.
For the joke that won, see the next joke - "Hunted")

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

HUNTED

(In 2002 this joke won a funniest joke in the world competition - I don't agree.
The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk)

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

THE WITNESS

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you're a cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him".

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

HAVE YOU GONE TOO FAR IN COOLING YOUR COMPUTER?

• British Aerospace contacts you when their wind tunnel is broken.
• You spend more on liquid nitrogen than you spend for rent.
• A break in the water cooler line floods the basement.
• You have to purchase bigger speakers to hear over the fan noise.
• The manufacturer of your cooling equipment flies you to Las Vegas once a month for being such a good customer.
• The kids are using the heat pipes as a cave to play in.
• The cooling fans are causing your desk to hover.
• After seeing The Empire Strikes Back you investigate how to get your computer encased in carbonite.
• You fantasize about operating your computer in the cold of deep space.
• Ice cream left overnight in your office has not melted.
• You're causing the Sun to dim.

ENGLAND AT THE WORLD CUP

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub".

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few Margueritas they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few Tequilas later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".

They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down".

"Don't be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have! I've let you down… … I got sent off after 12 minutes"

PADDY COMES TO ENGLAND

(Really the best Irish joke ever… probably)
(PS: It is quite long, but is NOT a shaggy dog story)

Paddy decided that things were a bit tight in Ireland and made the decision to come to England and look for a job. Getting off the ferry at Holyhead he passed through Wales, deciding it wasn't much better than Ireland. Eventually having got a lift across the M4 he arrived in the outskirts of London and found a building site, where he went and found the Foreman…

"Excuse me sorr, have ye got a job of work?", queried Paddy

"What can you do Paddy?", asked the Foreman, recognising him immediately as an Irishman.

"Aw jaysus sorr, sure Oi can do anything at all", replied Paddy

"Well OK then, how are you on the pneumatic drill?", rejoined the Foreman.

"Gawd sorr, sure and Oi'm the very divvil on the peenewmatical drill", said Paddy

"OK then Paddy, take over on the pneumatic drill"

So for the next couple of weeks Paddy worked on the pneumatic drill and sure enough he was the very devil, doing the work of about three men. The Foreman was rather pleased and was naturally a bit upset at wages time on the third week when Paddy said…

"Excuse me sorr", trembling slightly, "Cud Oi have a different job of work next week?"

"Oh Paddy you really are the best I have ever had on the pneumatic drill, and I would appreciate it if you could stay on the job. I tell you what… I will double your wages", said the Foreman.

"Jaysus sorr, Oi'm yer man!", quoth Paddy.

So, for another two weeks Paddy worked up a storm on the pneumatic drill, working as harder than ever when another wages day came round and Paddy once more requested…

"Please sorr", said Paddy, quivering noticeably,"cud Oi have a different job of work… please?"

"Well now Paddy", said the Foreman, "We haven't got much more drilling to do; and I would appreciate it if you would finish it off. I tell you what, I'll double your wages again"

"Gawd sorr, Oi'm yer man", Paddy swore to do his best.

Another two weeks went y with Paddy making John Henry looking like a beginner; but when wages day inevitably came round Paddy demanded…

"Give me me cards sorr", Paddy opined - shaking violently like an Aspen leaf in a storm, "Give me me cards, Oi hafta leave this job of work".

Now the Foreman did not want to lose Paddy so he asked "What's the matter Paddy? For goodness sake tell me what the matter is".

"Well sorr", stuttered Paddy, "It's like this…"

"Oi don't mind eating me food like this…" shaking uncontrollably…

"Oi don't mind drinking me Guinness like this…" wobbling around like a whirling dervish…

"But Oi refuse to ruin me health every time Oi go to the toilet!"

THE CUSTOMS OF AN IRISHMAN

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time". The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together". The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss". The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. It's just that I've quit drinking".

EMPLOYMENT WANTED

(This is an actual advertisement which appeared in a Toronto Newspaper)

Former Marijuana Smuggler

Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident-free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana into the United States, I am now seeking a legal and legitimate means to support myself and my family.

Business Experience: Owned and operated a successful fishing business - multi-vessel, one airplane, one island and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks conducting business in the western United States. During this time I also co-owned and participated in the executive level management of 120 people world-wide in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues in excess of US$ 100 million annually. I took responsibility for my own actions, and received a ten year sentence in the United States while others walked free for their co-operation.

Attributes: I am an expert in all levels of security. I have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well-educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken in schools to thousands of kids and parents groups over the past ten years on "the consequences of choice" and received public recognition from the RCMP for community service. I am well travelled and speak English, French and Spanish. References available from friends, family, the US District Attorney, etc.

Please direct replies to: (Address published)

JOB APPLICATION

(This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny)

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice-President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's why I am applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question would be "Do you have a car that runs?".

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may be already a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy, blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

LOVELY OLD LADY

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the vicar came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The vicar tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?"

A GOLFING STORY

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it".

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked as if it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a telephone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards".

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Reverend Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away".

"Ah, is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no". says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Oh, so THAT's when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball".

"That must have been the point," said the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No it wasn't, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole".

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior said, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

THE 7 DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

And of course don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

MARRIED FOR 2 WEEKS

Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks.

Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Mel,

"Honey, I'll be right back".

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer".

Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..".

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..".

"You want dirty words, Sh**head? Drink your f*****g beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*****g snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't bloody well going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

SATURDAY NIGHT BATH

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved".

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven".

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock".

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved".

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years".

THE LORD AND THE BIKER

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want".

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me".

The biker, slightly shamed, thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord paused for a moment and then replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

IRATE CUSTOMER

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you, It's a classic!

In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo...

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS".

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too.

NEW WORDS FROM IRELAND

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that were not in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.

The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave".
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: " 'GOAN'... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'".
DJ: [pause] "... you are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali, in what sentence can you use that word that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful, until:

DJ: "96FM here what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff".
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: " 'SMEE'... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'".
DJ: [pause] "... you are correct, Dave, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali, in what sentence can you use that word that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

DADDY'S TELEPHONE CALL

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul".

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul".

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now".

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway".

"Okay Daddy, just a minute".

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy".

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead".

*** Very Long Pause ***

Then Daddy says,

Errrr …. Is this 486-5731?"

ON BEING IRISH

Being Irish...
(stats as at 2001)

Is about driving in a German car to an Scottish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV

And the most Irish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Ireland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Ireland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Ireland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Ireland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Ireland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Ireland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Ireland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


NOT TO MENTION...

3 Irish people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Irish people were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Irish people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Irish people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Irish people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas-cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Irish people had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Irish people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Irish people were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

In 2000 eight Irish people were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

If you're proud to be from Ireland, send this on!

Ireland - Love it, or Leave it!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT!

According to the Home Office and its civil servants, those of us who were kids before 1970, probably shouldn't have survived.

We knew nothing about credit cards, laser beams, pantyhose, or drip-dry clothes and we got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? We certainly knew about the two sexes, but we equally certainly had never heard of a sex change; so we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.

In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of" and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with your cousins. We also thought that "fast foods" were what you were allowed to eat during Lent.

Our baby cots, and our toys were covered with bright-coloured lead-based paint.

We had no child resistant lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitch-hiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Jumping on to (or off) the rear platform of a rapidly moving bus didn't raise an eyebrow, nor did hitching a fast ride by hanging on to a rapidly moving lorry.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle, picked up and ate sweets and ice-creams that had fallen on the ground. Horrors!!!

We ate shortbread, bread and butter, and drank lemonade with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned how to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!!!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside, found them and actually played with them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Football and rugby teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a year and were held back to repeat. Horrors! Tests were not made easy for any reason!!!

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of parents coming to help us if we got in trouble at school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law, and we usually were punished a second time when we got home. Imagine that!!!

We were before househusbands, gay rights, and computer dating. We never heard of day care centers and group therapy. Nor had we heard heard of Digital broadcasting, DVDs, artificial hearts and word processors. For us, timesharing meant togetherness, not computers or condominiums. A chip meant a piece of wood, hardware meant, well, what you bought down the ironmongers and software wasn't even a word.

Back then, "Made in Japan" meant junk and "making out" referred to how you did in exams - McDonalds, Wimpy, Pizza Hut and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mowed, coke was a drink and pot was something you cooked in; rock music was a Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers to a general.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility before lawyers and government regulated our lives "for our own good", and we learned how to deal with it.

I, your Webmaster, am one of this generation...

There is about a one in five chance that you are one of them too!

Well done.

HOW THINGS USED TO BE

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs". There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (the straw left over after threshing grain) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more and more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. To prevent this, a piece of wood was placed in the entrance way - hence a "thresh hold".

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile, -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach on to the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers (a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl). Often trenchers were made from stale bread that was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth".

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, "the upper crust".

Pewter cups with a high lead content were used to drink ale or whiskey. The alcohol would partially dissolve some of the lead, producing lead salts and would therefore poison them and sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up hence, the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered "a dead ringer".

And that's the truth.

Who said that History is boring!?

FREE GARDENERS

An old Arabic gentleman lived alone in Palestine. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in an Israeli prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "IN ALLAH'S NAME, father, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers and half-a-dozen Mossad officers showed up and thoroughly dug up the entire garden - without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time".

US MEDICARE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers...

"Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please".

"Speaking".

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible".

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is".

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time".

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".

A FLEA'S HOLIDAY

(This story was told on the BBC television Graham Norton show, by Dustin Hoffman - and it was broadcast!)

A flea went to a travel agent to book a holiday, saying that he wanted somewhere he can just relax and enjoy the sun. So after searching around a bit, the agent suggested a week in Ringo Starr's hair. The flea thought this was a great idea. However he was back in four days saying that Ringo never went out, but spent all his time indoors, drumming. The noise was awful.

So after another search the agent suggested a week in Omar Sharif's moustache. Great said the flea and went off happily. But, after four days he was back again saying that again there was no sun, Sharif spent all his time in casinos, and smoked cigars which smelled of garbage.

"Well you're in luck" said the agent, "I've just had a cancellation this morning - "a week in Brigitte Bardot's muff". The flea couldn't believe his luck.

But, after four days he was back. Now the agent couldn't believe what he was seeing. "What in the name of patience went wrong?" he asked.

Well, the flea said, "It started out fantastically. Bardot liked to sunbathe in the altogether, spent the entire day sunning herself and kept herself beautifully clean".

"Why on earth are you back?" asked the agent.

Well after fours days I suddenly found myself back in Omar Sharif's moustache.

SPEEDING

A speeding driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. May I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one".

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving".

The policeman is shocked. "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that".

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car".

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner".

At this point the officer is getting stressed. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see".

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, would you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Officer?"

The officer responds, "Yes, would you open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence". The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner".

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

FELL OR WAS PUSHED?

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious?" - He said yes.

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian".

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?

"Protestant".

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist"

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

THE CONFESSIONAL

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says.

"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks.

"No, and I said I wouldn't tell".

"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"

"No, and I still won't tell!"

"Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"

"No," says the boy.

"Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months".

Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months excommunication, but three good leads".

A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO SINGING THE BLUES

(You have to like, or at least understand the blues, otherwise you will not appreciate this one at all)

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town".
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of...
   
   • I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
   • I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
   • She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin'  and boxcar-ing plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does killin' and fixin' to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.
7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.
9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you're truly desperate for a rhyme).
10. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
11. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man, and it's an old black suit with a grandfather shirt and no collar.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    
    • Answer "Yes" if:
      
      • your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
      • you're blind
      • you shot a man in Memphis.
      • you can't be satisfied.
      • you're older than dirt
    • Answer "No" if:
      
      • you once were blind but now can see.
      • you're deaf
      • the man in Memphis lived.
      • you have a trust fund or a pension.
      • you have all your teeth
14. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white trash got a leg up on the blues. Billie Whitelaw and Janice Joplin could sing the blues - Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand have no chance.
15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brulé.
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
17. Excellent names for female Blues singers:
    
    • Sadie
    • Janice
    • Billie
    • Big Momma
    • Bessie
    • Fat River Dumpling
18. Excellent names for male Blues singers:
    
    • Willie
    • Joe
    • Little Willie
    • Lightning
    • Big Bill
19. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
    
    • Name of physical infirmity or proclivity - if you actually know what "proclivity" means, you can't be a blues singer (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Boxcar etc...)
    • First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
    • Last name (optional) of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    • Good examples:
      
      • Blind Lemon Jefferson
      • Boxcar Willie
      • Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc…
      • (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi")
21. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You'd best destroy it. Use fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun; maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care... but get rid of it.
22. Hey there... you can READ! (You're reading this... AINTCHA?) This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues... the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.
23. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.
24. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.
25. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"

TEACHING MATHS

1. Teaching Maths In The 1960s
   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In The 1970s
   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In The 1980s
   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In The 1990s
   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In The 2000s
   A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

An Interesting Calculation

• We are told that one of Intel's Core2Duo processors contains around 291 MILLION transistors.
• So could one be built using discrete components?
• Consider any small, general purpose transistor...
• It would cost nearly £60K - just in transistors. Though I confess that does not include discount for massive bulk purchasing.
• Assuming a spacing of 1mm per transistor - and that is pretty tightly packed, the circuit board would measure 93km x 93km, or nearly 865,000 hectares. If you cannot think metric, that's over 3339 square miles!
• To work at all, it would need to brush aside the laws of physics, and consume (approximately) 400 kilowatt hours of electricity, plus it would need to dissipate nearly 150 kilowatts of heat per hour.
• Altogether this would require a power supply of just under 600 megawatts - your average coal-fired power station only puts out 500 megawatts.
• Hmmmm... I wonder if I can be bothered to work out what the cost and power requirements would be if it were to be made using old-fashioned, thermionic valves?